Reflection

Veterans Day has always been a weird one for me.

I'm proud of my service -- extremely proud -- but I've always kept that pride to myself. I don't post about it, I don't wear it, I don't even use the discounts. I volunteered. That was the deal. I didn't do it for praise.

We moved recently, and I found a box I hadn't opened in years — old tapes, coins, patches, medals.

I picked up my Commendation Medal and handed the citation to my partner.

"Here," I said. "You should read this."

She read it, handed it back, and said, "Actually, I think you should read this."

So I did. And it was... weird.

It was like reading about a different person. It described this guy who won the Information Dominance Award for the entire Air Force Space Command.

My first and most honest reaction was surprise.

I was surprised because, in my head, where I am typically mored in perpetual self-doubt, I had completely written that award off. Because I didn't go on to win at the Air Force level, it wasn't the final 'peak,' so I had mentally filed it under 'failure.' And I just stood there for a second, holding this citation, and I laughed. I laughed out loud. It hit me: There are so many things in my life that were worthy of celebrating that I just... filed away as failures instead of just giving myself the credit I deserve.

To put it into perspective, I was almost, like, the Minecraft Steve of the Air Force for a year. That's insane to think about.

To digress and make a poignant point, I recall when I was standing in formation at my BMT graduation. I was one of the last ones standing there, not actually sure my parents had made it. I remember nearly crying, but not because I was there waiting and unsure if anyone was coming, but because I failed to make Top Honor Graduate and Honor Graduate altogether. This was my first really crushing failure, but not the last. Finally, I did get a tap on the shoulder from behind, as my mom and dad shuffled into view.

The first thing I said was, "I'm sorry." And I broke from my bearing and hugged my mom.

She pulled back l, looked at me and said "What on earth are you sorry for?"

I replied, "I'm sorry I didn't make honor graduate."

Which I realize is pretty silly. They were just happy to see me, and I was happy to see them.

My MTI did confirm afterwards that I would have been the Top Honor Graduate, but I was ultimately disqualified for getting an LOC. While that was the result of some trickery by the MTIs, I still could have prevented it if I wasn't careless. (No I don't hate myself anymore! Growth!)

Look, I'm not smart. I barely made it through school. College wasn't even on the table, money or confidence-wise.

What I am is tenacious and relentless in my pursuit of knowledge and greatness -- which will never NOT feel out of reach -- I don't stop. I don't quit. I push until the thing breaks or I do. And for the first time, and with a great deal of assistance from my friends and family, I'm starting to realize I deserve to give myself credit for that. So, near with me on this as I am trying to be kinder to myself and trying to face down my weird aversion to praise and just acknowledge that I've done some really cool shit.

What I want people to know if that this version of me is the sum of a lot of broken cycles, and the culmination of waking up every day and just putting one foot in front of the next and getting back up every time I was knocked down.

I grew up poor. Moved constantly. Homeless for stretches. Lived with different grandparents for years. Eventually had to move in with my aunt just to finish my senior year because my home life was too unstable and affecting my school. I was the nerd who played RuneScape and watched anime in a rural town where neither of those things made sense. I'd spend my summers catching crayfish barehanded from a creek, my falls logging, chopping and stacking firewood, and my winters freezing because we couldn't afford to run the heat and a fireplace doesn't heat an entire house. I never really fit in. I was pretty aimless. Until one day in 10th grade, after too much Call of Duty (probably), I decided I was going to get out of this small town and join the Marines. But first, I had to get my act together to be accepted to a vocational school for the county that had an Air Force JROTC program.

So, I did.

Thankfully, some wise folks I was fortunate to have in my life -- shout out to Ret. MSgt Kibbey and Lt. Col. John Miller -- talked me into the Air Force instead. First they talked me out of the Marines. Then, as my brain developed further into my senior year, they talked me out of becoming a PJ and convinced me to try this Cyber Operations thing first and cross-train later.

Well. As you can see, I was finally able to talk some sense into myself for once, since I stayed in Cyberspace Operations. I am able to do that from time-to-time, talk sense; unfortunately, the time I volunteered to be pepper sprayed was not one of those times.

Nor was it one of those times last year when I broke my fibula doing flips in a trampoline park. I walked it off... Right into the urgent care.

Senior year is when things really started clicking.

I joined track and drama. Pushed myself to my absolute limits physically -- went from barely running a 7-minute mile to running 5 miles daily until I was averaging 6-6:30 minute miles. In drama, I acted in two leading roles and started to find the people I fit in with. I taught myself how to rap and recorded a song about how a bill becomes a law. People were shocked that it was actually good. I won student of the month for the first time in my life and got a free lunch from Steak n Shake. I rose to the rank of Cadet CMSgt in Air Force JROTC, after not making that much progress my junior year. Enlisted right after graduation and started attending weekly DEP meetings. Eventually, our active DEP leader shipped out and I was chosen as the replacement -- which was positively terrifying because it would still be several years before I actually got comfortable making phone calls. Which might be hard to believe now that I jump into calls with engineers at Fortune 100 companies without hesitation.

I pivoted from Enterprise Directory Services and my 'slightly more advanced than "hello world"' Powershell skills to a Linux system admin and eventually systems engineering in a High Performance Computing datecenter st freaking Boeing.

I've been 165 lbs and scrawny, ran a half marathon after only training for 5Ks and maxed out my PT test at 230 lbs, I've been as heavy as 390 lbs, and I've lost over 135 lbs. I replaced fast food with fasting. I went from cycling and barely hitting a max speed 12 mph to hitting a top speed on flat terrain of 31 MPH.

I've got two kids, the two most wonderful children in the entire world, who I'll move mountains for to give them not only the life I never had, but a life better than I would have ever known. I've got a job I love and a partner I share mutual adoration with. And for the first time, I'm learning how to look at my own highlight reel and not cringe.

And somehow that path led me here, where I'm approaching four years at Tanium with a couple lateral jumps and ton of new experiences under my belt, and I've accepted a promotion as a Core Infrastructure & Platform Escalation Engineer at Tanium -- supporting the greatest Global Support team in the entire world, the greatest AEM platform in the world, in the greatest company in the world.

It feels like closing out Book 2 of my life. The one where I learned who I am by breaking everything apart and putting it back together... Which ironically... Is exactly what I do for a living. Imagine that.

Book 1 was survival.

Book 2 was transformation.

Book 3 is self-actualization.

Progress.